So you’ve taken the plunge and decided to set up a profile on one of those taboo fetish websites; as such, you want to stand out and show a little bit of your personality. Just keep in mind, in your desperate need to barf your unique self-image onto the internets, you may want to consider a few things. Here are the top 10 do’s and don’ts in setting up profiles on fetish site.
1. LOLCats and Demotivaters are funny, great for blogs and 4chan forums, but they are not good for profile sites and don’t mesh well when accompanied alongside people in latex dog suits and ass-less leather pants. People visit these sites to find out who you are, and unless you’re a kitten who really likes “cheese burgers”, it only speaks to your desperate need for attention. Keep your images relevant.
2. It’s great that you’ve taken the time to find a photographer willing to take pictures of your leather cladded ass, but please keep in mind, you do not need to upload the entire photo album. That picture, where your hand is slightly askew from the other picture you just uploaded, is only a waste of space. A profile made up of 1000 images only tells me that you’re self-obsessed and unable to make choices. Choose your best material! Quality over quantity.
3. Do not upload pictures of yourself with your family. In the off chance that the “partner of your dreams” does find your profile, they do not want a picture of your grandma interfering with their imagination. Keep her out of your albums unless you’re offering her up in a 3 way; in which case, please avoid my profile. This also includes Mr. Muggles, your Yorkshire terrier, though he`s very cute, he’s hopefully not part of your sex life.
4. Don’t use other people’s pictures for your profile. And if you’re using pictures of people that you have taken, but are not in, please make mention of that. Nobody wants to buy a porn magazine, and then discover it’s filled with pictures of William Donohue. I know were not all super models, including myself at a sexy 5’5 (hobbits represent!), but you need to be honest in your profile. Those pictures you found online belong to other people, get your own and keep your collection of masturbation material on your iPad.
5. Profile sites are not friend contests, slow down and READ other peoples profiles. If you have 500 people marked as friends, there is something wrong with your method; you’re missing the point. If you have no intentions of engaging that person, then all you’re doing is collecting thumbnail sized porn of people from the other side of the planet.
6. Spelling and grammar DO matter. We live in 2010 and open office is free. I’m not saying you have to write with the eloquence of Stephen Fry, but atrocious spelling and grammar says to me that you don’t care about little details, like making sure the gear you just put somebody in has air holes, and understanding that when they say “does this look infected to you?”, it means the chastity belt needs to come off. I know this might come as a surprise, but most of the best writers have other people double check their work, so having your roommate or web friend check your profile for mistakes is a good thing. And for those on the other side of the fence, let the little things go. Writing in a casual form does not mean the world is going to end.
7. I do not need your life story. Tell me a few fun facts about yourself that define your PERSONALITY and what you would like to find. I don’t want to know that your 3rd grade teacher gave you 3 gold stars and that you once lost your watch trying to feed a camel in 1983. Your profile should be short enough that I don’t get bored, but not so short that it looks like a twitter. If I wanted to read endless, over descriptive diatribe, I would buy a book by Margaret Atwood.
8. The MOOD your profile presents matters, so don’t be arrogant. Nobody is the king of the fetish world, your poetry might suck and nobody likes somebody who can’t stop complimenting themselves. This goes in the other direction as well; rambling on about how nobody loves you is not going to result in somebody wanting to meet you in real life.
9. Interact! If you don’t want people bugging you, go find a porn site. If somebody messages you in a polite manner, say hello back; you cannot catch cooties through email. Even if they are 3 times your age, twice your height and have an unusually large collection of glass coffee tables, it does not mean they are inhuman monsters (well some of them might be); you`re not obligated to meet them in person. It’s good form to say hello back. This also goes the other way around, say hello, once, not 34 times in 12 minutes. And do so in a manner that does not give them the impression that you would like to keep them in a pit, in your basement, feeding them bottles of lotion with a basket on a string, with the intention adding them to your fall line.
10. Have a sense of humour about what you’re into and who you are. The ability to make fun of your self is one of the most attractive things you can do on a profile site, it smells of self-confidence and tells people that you’re not living in your own little delusional world, where you think dressing up like a latex duck (some people might be into that?) and rolling around in Jell-O, is not a laughing matter. IT IS!
